Real vs Convenient Friends: The Lesson I Learned

• Black founders secure less than 1 percent of VC, yet outperform in revenue by 63 percent.
• Tackle bias, networks, and scaling via DE&IB, mentors, and allies like Raj Kulasingam.
• Decode debt vs. equity, pre-raise risks, negotiation, and proof points for investor stride.
• Clarity, traction, and positioning shatter ceilings, fostering equitable VC futures.

The Importance of Healthy Friendships and The Lesson No One Warns You About

Friendship is a foundational tenet of our happiness, our success, and our ability to live and thrive as human beings in society as a whole. So much of our life and opportunities are wrapped up in who we surround ourselves with. There have been scientific studies that show that high-quality adult friendships provide social support and companionship, significantly predict well-being, and can protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Yet at the same time, friendship is complicated, especially when you are young and trying to find yourself, like in college. 

Students join college at a young and vulnerable time. They are new adults often experiencing the outside world for the first time without parental guidance. They are looking for friendships that will last years, if not their whole lives. There is pressure to find community, build a social circle quickly, and find your place. Unfortunately, due to this rush to find a community, there is often an illusion of ‘instant closeness’ in these young college friendships. Sometimes, these friendships feel real before they truly are and can leave you hurt and drained when they fall through. College taught me that there is a major difference between real friends and convenient friends, and learning that difference protected my peace, confidence, and emotional health.

Image Credit: freepik

Red Flags I Missed Until I Couldn’t Ignore Them

Convenient friends were abundant throughout my first years of college, and I still have to watch out for them today. Unfortunately, a clear pattern emerged: these friends would take advantage of me by trying to claim credit that wasn’t theirs, leverage my connections, social climb, and misuse my time and energy until they no longer needed me. I would be left wondering what I had done to ruin what I thought was a close friendship. The more subtle type of convenient friend would feign a close friendship by always confiding in me and thanking me for being there for them; however, they were always unavailable or unwilling when I needed help. Here are some red flags I missed until I couldn’t ignore them. 

Inconsistency Disguised as “Busy”

These were the friends who showed up only when it suited them. They would call you at 1 am to overanalyze a situation that was entirely their own fault, but they were never available when you just needed someone to talk to. The ones you would text back immediately when they had a problem, but took 12 hours to 3 days to respond to you. 

Competition Instead of Support

These were the friends who were secretly (or not so secretly) jealous of you and your life. They bragged to you about everything good in their life, and always had something cooler and better than anything going on in your life. They seemed to have a constant need to one-up every accomplishment in your life. If they could not outdo you, however, their subtle digs would often leave you doubting yourself, your feelings, and your achievements.  

Disrespecting Boundaries

Disrespecting boundaries often looks like oversharing, gossiping, and dragging you into drama you never asked for. Telling you secrets about friends you did not want to know and did not need to know. Those mutual friends had not confided their secrets in you, and now you were burdened with knowledge of something they might not be comfortable with you knowing. Or at times, a friend would share gossip about mutual friends, subtly attempting to influence how you viewed or thought about them.

Social Opportunism

Social opportunism is using someone’s connections, friends, or spaces for one’s own gain. These were the type of friends who faked closeness to you to attempt to usurp your position and replace you, whether that meant meeting your friends and organizing a hangout behind your back without inviting you, or trying to use your name to gain clout and connections. 

Manipulation and Rewriting Reality

This could entail twisting stories, lying, or creating conflict behind your back. Whether it be slandering you as a person or spreading lies about your actions and words, these friends will manipulate anyone and everyone around them to help themselves. You often don’t catch it until stories don’t add up between mutual friends, and conflict arises where there should not be.

Image Credit: freepik

Green flags I didn’t realize until I found better friends

Consistency

These were the friends who showed up even when it was inconvenient. If you needed them, they were there. Whether it was 3 am or 3 pm, if you needed help, advice, or just someone to be with you, they showed up for you. A far cry from the “busy” friends who could never be bothered if it did not benefit them. 

Mutual Support

Mutual support included those who celebrated your victories with you, not tearing you down or making you doubt your own achievements. They encouraged your goals and fully supported you in your dreams and aspirations. And when you accomplished them? They were just as happy, if not more so, for you than you yourself. There was never any silent resentment, never any doubt, just pure joy and support.

Respect

These were the friends who valued your boundaries, goals, and time. They understood that ‘no’ meant ‘no’ and never tried to pressure or coerce you into doing anything. They never tried to manipulate your view of others or convince you to change your friends.

Accountability

True accountability from real friends meant owning up to their mistakes and not shifting the blame to you. They took responsibility for their own actions and apologized for their behavior as needed. It was never your fault, and you never felt any undue responsibility for your friends’ actions.

Genuine Care

These friends checked in with no agenda, just love and care. They wanted to know how you were and what was going on with you. They didn’t need anything, they didn’t want anything, they just wanted to hear from you. They wanted to be there for you when you needed them and took joy in helping you. 

My Personal Turning Point

I recently had to cut off two toxic friends in college who had all of the red flags from above. I had gone through my life prior to college with few friends and would do absolutely anything for the ones that I had. Once I got to college, I really tried to expand my friend group, and in my rush to do so, I did not vet everyone I deemed a friend.

Case #1

The first toxic “friend” I had to cut off was a girl I met in college through a mutual friend and a church group, let’s call her Jane. When I was new to college and still finding my place, she quickly attached herself to me, wanting to spend all our time together. As I became more confident and built healthy friendships in other circles, primarily through a close guy friend of mine, I introduced Jane to his group. She became fixated on them and intent on inserting herself into that circle, even though I wasn’t fully part of it myself. Over time, her behavior toward me changed. She made plans behind my back, exaggerated or fabricated stories to compete with me, invited herself into situations without permission, and used my connections to gain access. She overshared about a toxic situationship despite my boundaries and eventually lied to my friends about me while also misrepresenting them to me in an attempt to create division. It became clear she was more interested in social climbing than genuine friendship. Once I recognized the betrayal and stepped away, the relief was immediate. Removing that relationship brought clarity, peace, and a genuine sense of happiness I hadn’t felt while she was in my life.

Case #2

Shortly after Jane, I had to set firm boundaries with a longtime friend I’d known since elementary school—let’s call her Sara. She wasn’t overtly toxic, but our friendship had become one-sided. I had always been her constant, the person she returned to when other friendships fell apart, even when she distanced herself for “cooler” friends. When I went to college, my life became fuller with school, work, sports, and meaningful friendships that offered mutual support. I no longer had the capacity to drop everything for Sara whenever her life unraveled. She confronted me repeatedly about my “lack of effort,” and while I apologized, the pattern never changed. Eventually, I realized I needed boundaries. I explained that we were in different stages of life and that our friendship couldn’t look the same anymore. She reacted strongly at first, but ultimately accepted it. Setting those boundaries brought me peace, clarity, and a much healthier sense of balance.

What I learned

Those experiences taught me that I had to be aware of who people truly were and listen when they showed me. It taught me to value real friends and set boundaries with toxic ones. Most importantly, those experiences showed me who my real friends were.

Image Credit: freepik

What real support actually looks like

Through both my own experiences and by watching the relationships around me, I’ve come to understand what genuine friendship support truly means. Real friends don’t feel threatened by your successes or force you to choose between them and your growth. They offer correction with kindness rather than criticism, speak well of you when you’re not present, and create a sense of safety instead of anxiety. They build you up and improve your life rather than take away.

Emotional Boundaries and Maturity

To recognize what true support looks like, you also have to be willing to notice when a friendship is draining you and to set healthy boundaries. That means learning how to communicate those boundaries without guilt, understanding that not everyone is entitled to full access to your life, and allowing yourself to detach from other people’s reactions, emotions, or expectations. This is a hard process and requires a strong sense of self and maturity, but it is an essential life skill.

Losing toxic and convenient friends is not a loss; it’s a blessing. These people will inhibit growth and take all life and happiness away from you. The people who are truly meant to be in your life will remain. By protecting your peace, you create room for genuine, supportive, value-centered relationships. Friendship does require effort, and that’s both normal and healthy. But when you’ve clearly communicated your needs and someone continues to let you down, shows no desire to grow, and consistently drains your energy, it’s a sign that the relationship may no longer be worth holding onto. Knowing when to step away is not selfish; it’s an act of self-respect. To other young people walking through similar seasons: trust the process, honor your growth, and remember that choosing yourself and your values is never something to apologize for.