Still a Mother: A Tribute to All Women With the Struggles of Childbearing

• Motherhood, beautiful as it is, is a journey, different for every woman.
• Some women have lost their offspring to miscarriages and stillbirths.
• Loss of a child does not disqualify these women from being referred to as mothers.
• Modernization has allowed women to become mothers through various means. 
• Society is called upon to embrace these women and help them walk their respective paths. 

The term ‘mother’ suggests a female parent, a woman in a position of authority; it is a word that speaks of the source or origin of something. It could also mean a woman who takes on the responsibilities of a parent towards a child she didn’t birth. By such definition, the following make the cut; a biological mother and step-mother alike, expectant and new moms, working or stay-at-home moms, grandmothers, mothers-in law, single moms and women who had to give up their child(ren), adoptive and foster moms, fur and plant moms, and bonus moms- aunties and godmothers. 

Special Breed of Mothers

There, however, is another category of women who may not necessarily tick these boxes. These are the angel moms (those who have lost their child(ren)), and those who are unable to conceive, or carry children to term. They still yearn to be mothers, looking forward to the days when they will be able to nurse their babies in their arms, to kiss and cuddle them, and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. They long to be celebrated on Mother’s Day, and rightfully so, because they are still mothers. 

In this digital era, these women are prone to triggers that spring from posts online. On Mother’s Day, they battle with envy, guilt, bitterness, and shame. Seeing other women appreciated and showered with gifts and loving messages can only fill their eyes with sad tears. Some women delete social media platforms, avoid social gatherings and spaces, or stay away from their gadgets altogether. Oh, what a mental toll it takes on them!

Miscarriages and Stillbirths

The feminine body has special features that may place one at an advantage or disadvantage. Hormones, for example, can be a raging storm, especially the impact of their imbalance on an individual. Several women have a medical history of miscarriages from previous pregnancies related to age, health conditions, lifestyle choices, bodily complications, particularly in the uterus and cervix, or even due to the genetic expression of the fetus. Other women lose children to stillbirths, which occur after 20 weeks of pregnancy. This happens due to several reasons, such as congenital abnormalities, infections of the mother or fetus, and uterine or placental problems, just to mention a few.

One other factor that many may be unaware of is the masculine contribution to this challenge, in other words, male infertility. Poor sperm quality can affect the development of the embryo and eventually lead to pregnancy loss. This could be influenced by many elements, including the man’s health status, lifestyle choices, hormonal, and genetic issues. 

The loss of a child, regardless of their gestational age, is an extremely traumatic experience. In some cultures, speaking about it is considered a taboo, with so many stereotypes attached to the woman. As a result of this, many women are left to suffer in silence and bear the weight of grief alone, or with a few family members if they are lucky. Insensitivity in healthcare systems doesn’t offer much hope concerning how they treat bereaved parents.

Practical Examples of Women

Notably, not all women with experiences of miscarriage or stillbirth are incapable of having children. Many known narratives exist for women who speak of a previous loss(es) after they have had a child. However, the heavy implication of these ordeals may compel some women to explore other options. Nowadays, women openly seek alternatives to conceiving children naturally, including embracing surrogacy and modern technology of assisted conception through IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). 

A renowned Nollywood actress in Nigeria, Africa, Ini Edo has publicly spoken about her struggles with miscarriages and her decision to become a mother via surrogacy. Kambua, a Kenyan gospel artist and Maternal Health Advocate, is equally vocal about her complex motherhood journey and now champions for the well-being of mothers while addressing challenges they face across the spectrum. 

Though both women received backlash from society, a community has formed around them that has embraced and shared their predicament. While they are not the only ones who struggle with motherhood, given the pressure women face to bear children, especially in traditional Africa, the tides have turned. By sharing their stories on mainstream media, they have given a voice to the voiceless and made such conversations possible and necessary. They have debunked the myth that dictates the value of a woman be reduced to their ability to have children.

Practical Examples of Men

Likewise, men have set the ball rolling on these matters. They support their partners by showing up to fertility clinics, offering a shoulder to lean on, and educating themselves on the appropriate course of action. Mark Zuckerberg, for instance, disclosed challenges he and his wife, Priscilla Chan, encountered with three miscarriages. This reveal raised awareness among multitudes of people as he touched on the feelings accompanying loss. He emphasized the subject of hope and community, as well as the importance of having these conversations.

Tommy’s, a UK-based pregnancy and baby charity, speaks of the struggle of miscarriage among men, too. That fathers, in as much as they do not bear the physical pain, carry distressful feelings over their inability to help their partners. John Legend, alongside his wife Chrissy Teigen, overtly spoke about the loss of their son Jack over a pregnancy complication. In a conversation with Shannon Sharpe, he highlighted the devastating effect grief had on him.

Call for Change  

We have a collective responsibility to these women to be warm toward and celebrate them. Support is crucial to these mothers and can come by acknowledging and allowing them to walk their journeys with their heads held high. This provides a safe space, which everyone needs to be able to survive in. Empathy does go a long way.

For women whose hearts were captured, here is a statement with guiding words of affirmation for you:

“Even though I… (lost, can’t carry, got assistance), I am still a mother because I…” (care, feel, love, work, give).

Not only are you a mother, but you are also a very good one at that. You are seen, heard, understood, your impact felt, and your motherhood acknowledged. 

With love, Us.